Guide to Wingnut Logic

Towards A Grand Unified Theory of Wingnuttia
The following rules are intended to help you make sense of the nonsensical--a discussion with or among wingnuts. 

Study them. Understand them. Be aware of their existence. Your brain will thank you. 

The list is far from complete, so please add your own in the comments or email me.  I will update the list as frequently as I can. 

Special thanks to Matt and Jason at for helping me get this started. 

The Guide
Blogenlust’s Law:

As an online discussion among wingnuts grows longer, the probability that a Clinton will be blamed for something approaches 1 (i.e., certainty).

The “Even Clinton Agreed” Corollary to Blogenlust’s Law

There is equal probability that a wingnut will point to Clinton as an example of what not to do as there is that they will justify a Bush action by saying “Well, even Clinton agreed.” [matt]

The BJ Corollary:

Anything can be justified absent blow jobs. [matt]

Parallel to the BJ Corollary:

Blow jobs are worse than or equal to any bad act. [matt]

The Michael Moore Rule:

In a discussion among wingnuts, the probability that Michael Moore’s name will be mentioned increases in direct relation to the size of his waist. [agitprop]

The Bernie Goldberg Postulate: 

In a discussion among wingnuts, the probability that someone will be blamed for any given situation is inversely proportionate to the power they hold. [matt]

The O’Reilly Rule

The volume level (including ALL CAPS) of those defending a position is inversely proportional to how defendable that position is. [jason]

The Santorum Slope:

In order to show that society’s problems stem from liberal influences, a sequence of increasingly unacceptable events is shown to follow from liberal influences on society, even though conservative institutions are technically responsible. [jason]

The Brent Bozell Theory of Moral Decay

Anything bad that happens follows from the exposure of Janet Jackson’s nipple. [jason]

The Robertson-Falwell Corollary to the Brent Bozell Theory of Moral Decay

Anything bad that happens (e.g., 9/11) follows from God’s hatred of homosexuality.

The These Colors Don’t Bleed Rule

The number of magnetic “Support the Troops” ribbons on your car is directly proportional to your car’s ratio of miles per gallon.

The Max Cleland Maxim

Military service is the most honorable and admirable thing you can do for your country, if and only if you are not running against a Republican in an election. [jason]

The Cindy Sheehan Corollary to the Max Cleland Maxim

Raising a child who serves his/her country is the most honorable thing a parent can do if and only if they support the war. [mrgumby2u]

The 9/11 Implication

If 9/11, then anything can be justified.

Generik’s Law of Martyrdom and Underdoggery

As the power and influence of the Republican Party grows, the level of howling about how oppresed and victimized they are increases.  [Generik]

The Green Knight’s Corollary to Generik’s Law

The less Christ-like the Religious Right becomes, the more powerful it becomes; The more powerful the Religious Right becomes, the louder it howls about how oppressed and victimized it is. [Green Knight]

The Scalia Rule of Constitutional Interpretation

Progressive values that are not explicitly written in the Constitution (e.g., privacy) are not protected by the Constitution.  Conservative values that are forbidden by the Constitution (e.g., prayer in schools) are actually constitutional, because that’s what the framers would have wanted. [kman]

The Judicial Decision-Making Corallary to the Scalia Rule

All judicial decisions which reflect conservative values are well-reasoned and based on a correct interpretation of the law and the Constitution.  All other decisions are products of “judicial activism”, or “legislating from the bench”, or “bullshit.” [kman]

The We Report, You Decide Law of Liberal Media Bias

As the number of partisan right-wing media personalities increases, so to do the claims that the media is liberal. 

Phoenician’s Corollary to The We Report, You Decide Law of Liberal Media Bias

The claim that the media is liberal will be held to be proven by the number of partisan right-wing media personalities denouncing it as so. [phoenician in a time of romans]

The Little Green Footballs Rule

If Charles disagrees with it, it’s either (a) Muslim, (b) Liberal or (c) an insult to our troops-9/11-the president-US citizens-Israel. [Nick Hobbes]

The Iraq-WWII Corollary of the “All or Nothing” Maxim

In a discussion among wingnuts, the probability that the Iraq War will be compared to World War II increases exponentially in relation to the degree wingnuts are exposed to anti-war sentiment. (1) Wingnuts believe that if an individual opposes one war (Iraq), then they oppose all wars. (2) Wingnuts will erroneously conclude that individuals who oppose the Iraq War also believe that the United States should not have become involved in World War II. (3) This maxim also features frequent comparison of Adolf Hitler and Nazi Germany to Saddam Hussein and the Baath Party. (4) They will repeat assertions that Germany did not attack the United States just as Iraq did not directly attack the United States. [Agitprop]

The First Law of Perpetual Spin

Any right-wing talking point shall have an equal and opposite talking point, to be invoked should circumstances reverse themselves, e.g.: Liberals are either morality-hating delinquints or holier-than-thou do-gooders; critics of the President are either peace-and-love wusses or rage-filled fanatics; Democratic politicians are either too-moderate flip-floppers or too-liberal extremists. [Bryan Collinsworth]

The Consistent-Evil-Is-Greater-Than-Inconsistent-Good Theorum

The discovery of an inconsistency between progressive ideals and progressive behavior (i.e. an environmentalist driving a pollution-emitting car) is sufficient proof that those ideals should be dismissed, and their moral basis ignored.  [Bryan Collinsworth]

The Emlighten-NewJersey Rule of Wingnut Debate

When confronted with anything negative about the president, the Republican Party or conservative political philosophy, the immediate response is, “How come we keep winning elections?” [link]

Ferragamoleezza’s Law

Anything bad in Iraq would be worse under Saddam.

Corollary to Ferragamoleezza’s Law

Also, he gassed his own people. [matt]

The Abu Zarqawi-Robertson Theory of Vengeful Meteorology

God causes hurricanes to smite His political opponents.

Posted by Nuttshell on 10/19 at 06:11 PM in Politics

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